God intended that we would grow up in families where two elements were present, love and trust. If those elements are present we will grow up with a solid sense of identity and safety. Many of us grew up in families where those elements were largely present. And yet, even the very best parenting cannot provide love and trust in the full measure God intends for us. That’s not a knock on our parents. It’s just not possible for humans to fully provide something only God can do.

We create pain cycles out of the places where we feel a lack of love, which provides Identity and trust, which provides Safety. Pain cycles, as understood in Restoration Therapy*, are where we feel something and act in response to that feeling in a way that brings further damage to ourselves and others with whom we are in relationship. And of course, marriage is a mingling of pain cycles.

I will work with you to understand your pain cycle and if you’re married, to understand how these dynamics are affecting your life together. When we understand our pain cycles we can begin to develop peace cycles instead. Peace cycles are life-changing.

Keeping ourselves emotionally regulated is the most difficult thing to do in relationships, particularly marriage. Dysregulation is what leads us to say and do things we never thought we would do. Understanding our pain cycles helps us regulate ourselves. I will also use other tools and modalities, such as the Enneagram and Internal Family Systems and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, to help you gain a better understanding of you and your responses and motivations.

But it’s also helpful to understand that our bodies and brains play a role in our ability to emotionally regulate. It’s not enough to simply know the right thing to do. We often react in ways we later regret, not because we didn’t know the right way to respond, but because our brain wiring or body response sent us right back into the behavior we had promised we would never do again.

If you find yourself wondering, “where is God in all this?” I say he will be central to everything we do during your intensive. He is the one who made our bodies and brains as they are and did it for our protection. Therefore, he understands that the part of the brain that reacts when we see a snake on the trail or hear what sounds like a gunshot is the same part of the brain where early trauma is stored and causes us to react in ways that are not helpful to us and may be hurtful to others. Whether we are addressing issues cognitively or exploring how the body and brain react during trauma it is all connected to spirit and soul. Addressing issues on all levels leads to greater wholeness.

It’s our heart that has to change. It’s not so much what happened (or happens) to us but how we react to it that makes the difference. Understanding our pain cycles, creating peace cycles, knowing why a part of us responds badly in a particular situation, are all a part of the spiritual solution God wants to provide. I will introduce tools and spiritual practices to take with you from your intensive that will help provide ongoing change.

*Restoration Therapy is an approach to healing and change developed largely by Dr. Terry Hargrave. It is one of the primary approaches I use with my clients.